​Lately,
I’ve been thinking a lot about shoes.
Someone once told me,
“It doesn’t matter what shoes you wear,
Nobody is looking at your feet.”
 
But shoes make or break an outfit.
Shoes make you feel confident.
 
Not once,
Until recently,
While putting on my shoes,
Did I think:
“but what if I need to run?
How fast will these shoes carry me?”

There is a place in Canada that looks otherworldly, I’m sure you’ve seen it on Instagram. An influencer is perfectly posed in a canoe, on water as flat and clear as glass, with mountains in the background and cool blue skies. She probably doesn’t have a hair out of place, her outfit doesn’t have an ounce of dirt on it, and her hat is completely secured on her head.
 
We’ve all seen this photo and we have all wanted to go. And so, I did. [To be fair, I’ve been wanting to go since before I saw it on Instagram, but that’s neither here nor there.]
 
We did our research, we booked our hotel, secured our flights and our shuttle and off we went.
 
1. July is peak season in Banff. It is supposed to be their "summer" and it is the time of year when most tourists are in the park. Keep this in mind when booking your trip, that with peak season comes peak prices. It was almost impossible to find a direct flight so we had a 12 hour travel day in an odd order, but we got there eventually and it didn’t break the bank. Also keep in mind that you can't fly in to Alberta. You have to fly into Calgary and then take a 2 hour shuttle trip into Banff National Park to where you are staying. You will have to book your shuttle in advance of your arrival date because you need to have a reservation. I would recommend using the Brewster Express. 

2. You don’t need to stay in the fanciest hotel. In fact, you probably wouldn’t even want to if you really knew how far away they were from everything. The Fairmount Banff Springs is about a 15 minute, uphill walk from downtown Banff, or you can wait to take the shuttle up there. The Fairmount Chateau at lake Louise is over an hour shuttle ride outside of downtown Banff. Of course, you’d be staying on lake Louise so what more do you need. The Banff Ptarmigan Inn is the perfect spot to stay. It’s reasonably priced, in the heart of Downtown Banff, located right next to Good Earth Coffee house and right across from a shuttle hub stop (more about the shuttle later). The Banff Ptarmigan Inn gives you that at home feel when you’ve come back cold and tired from a long day of hiking. That’s all you really need when you’re thousands of miles from home. 

Again, I will say that peak season comes with peak prices and not a lot of hospitality options. Before we found the Banff Ptarmigan Inn the most reasonably priced option was an RV parked in the RV area of the park that someone was renting out as an AirBnB. Consider that your warning to book quickly and early.
 
3. The girls you see on Instagram all done up look great, but they must have a lot of confidence because literally nobody else looks like that. I mean there is a little bit of everything but most people are in hiking apparel and its not exactly what you would call "mountain chic". It’s fine and great to want to look your best, but just as you dress for the season, not the weather, I’d recommend you dress for the location and not your Instagram feed. 

4. There are 17 hours of daylight in Banff. The sun rises at about 5 AM and sets around 9:40PM. Be prepared to eat at odd hours of the day and drink a lot of coffee or tea. 

5. Pack a rain coat. And probably a winter coat. But you also might want to pack shorts, tank tops, and short sleeve shirts. 

6. Take a lot of photos, but also make sure to appreciate the beauty of the world through your own eyes and not solely through your phone screen.

7. Be prepared for bears, moose, and mountain lions. Going to the mountains is like going into the ocean. You are a guest in their home, and the wildlife is always home. Respect that and respect them. 

8. That being said, don't hike alone. Actually, most of the trails are recommended that you are with a group of 4 or more. And other trails its mandatory that you are with a group of 4 or more, or you will be fined. The trails near downtown Banff are easy and welcoming for all hiking levels, but the further you get into the National Park, continue with caution. Someone once told me, when I was at the peak in the Smokey Mountains, that "this is the safest you will ever be." And I believed that, and still do, because at the top, a lot of things can’t get to you. But it’s good to keep in mind that the mountain lions can see you, you just cant see them. 

9. Public Transportation is a must. Banff utilizes a transport system called Roam. When we first chose this location for our adventure we assumed that everything would be in walking distance, but we were wrong. We had to utilize the Roam shuttle almost every day. It is free and easy to use especially because when booking at the Banff Ptarmigan Inn they provide you with your own bus pass for the entirety of your stay. 

10. As with all trips, do your research so you know what you are getting yourself into but also go in with an open mind. Not all trips go as according to plan. 

The other day at work I said something along the lines of “I can’t figure this out, I’m so stupid” and my friend looked at me and said “Don’t talk about my friend like that”.

​I started thinking about how often I hear people in my life say negative things about themselves.
 
“I’m so fat”
“I hate my body”
“I drink too much and I hate myself in the morning”
“I have a shitty personality”
“I’m losing my hair”
“I hate that I'm dependent”
“I hate the sound of my voice”
“I hate that I care so much about what other people think of me”
“I hate that I take things so personally”
 
I could keep going but I won’t, I'll just leave you with this; I don’t know who needs to hear this right now, but if other people can love us for the same things that we hate about ourselves, I think that we can try to learn to love ourselves too. 

I haven't written anything in awhile and it's not really because I haven't done anything that’s worth writing about, it's because I don't feel like I have the time to take the time that it takes to write. I think this is because of the way society conditions us to think; Society tells me that I have to go to work every day and then I have to come home and work out, get things done around the house, run errands, etc. So I go to work, I drive home in rush hour traffic, I come home and I exercise and by the time that is all finished I am ready to take a shower and get in bed.

I read all the time that you need to take an hour for yourself each day and i think about this often. What do I do for myself each day? I forced myself to exercise because I've been told to think that that is what I need to do. But if I don’t necessarily enjoy exercise, then is that really taking time for myself? I don’t really think so.

Little bits and pieces of my blog have been popping up here and there; at a graduation party one of my quotes from I Don't Mean to Brag But I Be Like...Doing It Anyway was displayed as a centerpiece on the table, and that’s a nice reminder that this blog, my very own little escape, still exists and maybe I should make time to write more often.

A few days ago my super talented friend took time out of her life to paint me and asked if she could post it on her design Instagram. She said that she usually posts the photo with a quote said by that person and asked for my favorite. Because I haven't written in so long, the only quote I could think of was the one from the graduation party, so that is the one I provided her with. It reads “When you’re happy with what you’re doing and where you’re going, it doesn’t matter how many bad days or how many rough moments you have, because the good always outweighs the bad”. 

She said it took her awhile to finish the paintings of me because she hasn’t been home a lot. But the point of it all is that she still started them and finished them because she made time to do it. She said she didn't mind that it took her awhile because she had fun doing it and she loves to draw and create. Despite being busy with whatever life would throw at her, she still took the time to do the thing that she enjoys doing. 

She inspired me to take at least some time out of my life to write. Because even though it is so easy to fall into the routine that is almost robotic of going to work, coming home, working out, doing things around the house, running errands, etc., I still need to do something for me, something that makes me happy. Even if I can't have a full hour out of every day, I'm still taking the time. 

You can check out the drawings below and check out more from @designsbycaitb by clicking the link!

I’m really happy, it’s not because of a man and it’s not because I won the lottery, and I just want to brag about it a little.

In the past month I’ve saved so much money on Starbucks because I don’t feel the need to “treat myself” every other day of the week just for surviving one day. I used to literally bribe myself with coffee.

In the past month I’ve spent so little time scrolling through social media. In fact, I hardly have time to touch my phone throughout the day. Sometimes I’ll hop on Instagram just to see what my favorite celebrity is up to or to see if there’s a new giveaway I want to enter or I’ll get on Twitter just for a quick laugh. But over this past month I haven’t sat and scrolled through social media longing to have someone else’s life because I have been so caught up and so busy with my own life.

In late February, about a month ago, I started a new job and the next chapter of my career. It has been a major adjustment. The hours are different and the job is demanding. Every day is a challenge, every day I struggle and I make mistakes, and every day I get stronger personally and professionally. I don’t find myself bitching and moaning constantly, I don’t find myself complaining. I literally find myself laughing and smiling and thinking to myself “I love my team and I love this place”.

Never in my life have I thought I would be that person who says “I love my team” and I certainly never thought I would be that person that wants to purchase for myself a company sweatshirt, and yet, here I am. I think it’s because for the first time in a while I’m genuinely happy and proud of where I’m at.

This is not to say that I wasn’t happy before the job change. But I do think before I was just going through the motions of life. Waking up, going to work, coming home from work, going to sleep and doing it again the next day. I was spending a lot of time with my head down either just getting the day’s tasks done or looking at my phone and not enough time enjoying my life and being present in the moment, even if in that moment I am in an office working.

In the past month I’ve had a lot of good days and a few bad, and a lot of rough moments and a few great ones. But what I’ve realized is when you’re happy with what you’re doing and where you’re going, it doesn’t matter how many bad days or how many rough moments you have because the good always outweighs the bad.

SO- I’m sorry if I don’t snapchat you back, if I don’t like your Instagram post, if I take 3-5 business days to text you back. I’m just really busy focusing on my clients, my career, and probably making snarky comments and laughing with my coworkers. And most importantly I’m just really busy being happy.  

I have literally been trapped in my house for 2 days because of this snow storm that I was convinced would not come. I have done a lot of moving from my bed to my couch and from my couch to my bed. I've scrolled through social media, cooked, cleaned, and did laundry out of boredom. I decorated my room and rearranged my closet more than once. I finished a series on Netflix and I've watched a few too many romantic movies to the point where my personality is now a little bit Rachel Chu (Crazy Rich Asians) and Tami Oldham (Adrift). 

If you've seen either movie you'd know that these characters are opposites, and in the most extreme ways. Rachel is from New York City and is dating the Prince Harry of Singapore while Tami Odham's wanderlust leaves here trapped on a sail boat and forced to survive for 41 straight days. While these two leading ladies are living out opposite situations, they have a few things in common and these similarities are just a few of the most unrealistic ways women are portrayed in movies.

1. Women are confident 100% of the time.
Love stories always seem to portray women as confident and having it together all of the time. They move so gracefully, they never stumble over what to say, and they always know what they want to eat, where they want to go and how to dance.

When in reality, women [and being in love] are not always that graceful. We stumble over our words and say they wrong things, or write the wrong things. And sometimes we don't know what we want to eat!! And sometimes we don't know how to dance. Sometimes we need a little help from our friends or vodka in order to get us out on that dance floor.

2. Women know exactly who they are.
Sometimes we just don't, okay? Sometimes we are still figuring our shit out. And I'd love to see a movie about this. A realistic movie, not a comedy. Most story lines involving figuring your shit out turn into comedies, when in reality it isn't always funny.

3. Women don't have neck rolls when they're laying down. 
Out of all three points I have and will mention, the way women are shown laying down or sleeping, is by far the most unrealistic. I've never seen a person lay their head down on a pillow in real life and not have their cheeks get all squishy or their neck get all rolly. Come on Hollywood, do better. We are all laying down and looking like egg-heads or potatoes. Show it on the big screen.

​aaannnd that's really all I have to say about that. Try not to think about this too hard because it's really meant in a lighthearted way. 

​The job wasn’t perfect, management wasn’t perfect, and I wasn’t perfect either. I was reaching my breaking point, but I had never quit a job, or really anything in my life so I didn’t want to give this up either. But I was pushed to my limits for so long, I was exhausted, and I made a mistake. I will fully admit to making a mistake regarding a guest’s experience. I know this was my fault.
 
The guest was visibly upset and raising their voice at me, but I had not yet realized the mistake I made. All I could see in the moment was this guest leaning over the counter to get closer to my face and yelling at me. Instead of remaining calm and trying to understand what he was trying to tell me, I raised my voice back. Strike 4.
 
I raised my voice at a guest. I raise my voice at a guest at the Happiest Place on Earth. This is coming from a girl who worked at a Call Center. Yeah, I was the person who calls people at dinner time and begs them for money. People would yell at me and tell me I’m worthless and won’t go anywhere in life and I would just hang up the phone and laugh at them unbothered. Because I knew my worth.
 
But at Disney it was different. I had been talked down to for so long and looked down upon that I put myself on that same level and yelled back at a guest. Because at that point I didn’t know who I was, let alone know my worth.
 
After that shift I was terrified the guest would go to management and I would get a reprimand. But nothing happened, no one ever found out and I never got in trouble. So, I started breaking more rules because I knew that nothing was going to happen to me. I snuck into resort pools and stayed there all day, I called in and went to the parks, I took days off just because. I could see these changes in myself and I knew something wasn’t right, because I never break rules over fear of getting in trouble.
 
I continued work as usual just because I didn’t want to be weak and quit. Then, I came in for a 2p.m. – 11:45 p.m. shift as greeter. Greeter is essentially hostess, you’re the person who greets the guests, takes their orders, and then report them back to the kitchen. Greeter will stand there for their entire shift because it is the one position that does not have someone who can be their back up, unless a manager or supervisor is free and can take over for a short minute.
 
[This is a warning: if you get grossed out by that thing that happens to a woman once a month, stop reading]. Greeter was my favorite position because it was outside of the kitchen and I actually got to talk and interact with the guests. However, I was not feeling well that day, even before I had arrived at work, I had a headache that just wouldn’t go away. I kid you not, not even a half hour into this shift, I could feel it; I got my period. While standing in a position with no back up person, a line out the door, and wearing Khaki pants. Yep, khaki.

I think that the older we get the harder the holidays get. Or the more meaningful they become, in turn making them harder, especially when it comes to gifts. For me, it’s twice as difficult because my birthday is exactly a week before Christmas. So I have people asking me “what do you want for your birthday? What do you want for Christmas?” And year after year it gets harder and harder for me to answer that question. Because what I really want is not something you can buy in a store and wrap in a bow.

My birthday falls in this really awkward time period. Back in grade school, while most students got to celebrate their birthday at school with their friends and hand out treats to their classmates and teachers, I never got to do that because my birthday always fell during Christmas break. The same thing happened when I went to college, I never really celebrated my birthday with my friends because we were all on break and in different places.

So finally, not in school, when someone asks me what I want for my birthday I always think to myself “people to spend it with”. Of course my family. And I do have some amazing friends who will go out of their way to make that happen for me. It is hard not to be around the people I love who love me back but I have my best friends who live hours and states away who may not be around but will think about me and do whatever they can to make that day special to me. 

Sure, unwrapping presents is fun. I think that parents, no matter how old their kids are, still get a thrill watching them walk down the stairs Christmas morning, or walk in the house, towards the tree and unwrap a gift. But all I really want for Christmas is to not be afraid to walk outside after dark, I want the wars to be over, I want there to be a cure for cancer, I want friends to stop dying young, and to stop seeing people I care about heartbroken, I want unconditional love and commitment, I want people to stop tearing each other apart and see them come together again, I want women to stop hating men and to somehow stop feeling victimized, I want more experiences, and I want to find that place in my life where I can be truly happy.
​
So if you’re like me, on Christmas [or your birthday] you’ll probably unwrap the material gift that you wanted the most and you’ll feel so grateful for it and you’ll be happy. But part of you will still feel empty inside because that material thing can’t take the place of some of the things that you want the most.